Another bridge!






Still another!

It's amazing how many people are building walls. It  appears that this could be one of the reasons why relationships disolve.  Particulary those who come from rejection - who suffer from rejection and who fear rejection and consequently reject the very people they want to accept and love them.  It becomes 'walls' knocking against 'walls'. 

You know the expression, 'Talking to you is like hitting my head against a brick wall!' is truer than the one quoting it out of sheer frustration, realises! 

That's exactly whats happening! 

Our couple - Jane and Peter were doing just that.  Peter is my client and because one of his barriers is - you probably guessed it - 'Break down of Relationships' .  His partner attended the appointment as well at Peter's request. This seemed to be a fair request due to his barrier and I thought well I guess if Peter wants Jane to come - OK!  I wasn't prepared for the tirade which developed after 10 minutes or so. 

Each was hiding behind their wall and 'attached' the other from that position.  Neither of them endeavoured to understand the other's point of view.  Each was listening to the other from how they saw things.  Yes Peter thought he had enough ground to withdraw from Judy as Judy had appeared to have been too friendly with a male friend over 15 years earlier.   Which is fair enough as that had never been dealt with.  Jane tried to explain herself but Peter had his own thoughts and nothing could change his mind.  He was not willing to begin to build a bridge. So there has been no progress with this couple.  Yes they were experiencing 'Hitting their heads agains a brick wall!' There will be further updates.

But the second couple it was different. 

Declan and Pauline have been married for a while and most of the time were happy. Pauline had come from a broken family and Declan had been given up for adoption when he was a baby.  There had been plently of walls build up in their lives which protected them from being rejected again.  Each have worked through a lot with counsellors and have made progress.  Their communication still has a way to go and another plank in their bridge has been put in place just recently. 

Pauline had been extremely busy away with work and family commitments. This left her very tired when she finally arrived home and resumed their life as a couple Pauline was not as attentive to Declan as he expected.  His thoughts were negative, "Why doesn't she love me - she has no time for me, etc!" This caused walls to appear.  His actions towards Pauline were just purfunctionary with no warmth. Pauline was not aware of this going on due to her tiredness though there were a couple of times when she wondered what was going on but nothing was said.

As the week went on Declan was not getting any better.  Come the end of the week - Friday.  They had a bit of a disagreement about whether the cat could come in or not - just a little thing (most arguments begin over something small).  Declan had said the cat could stay outside!'  Pauline wanted it in so got up and let it in.  Again nothing was said and they went to bed.  Declan was acting very offhand and Pauline thought he was peaved over the cat and took no notice of it.

It was explained to them that Declan had built walls through his negative thoughts and his actions followed those thoughts which became a barrier between them.  It kept them emotionally apart.  It was also explained that in a relationship the other party will always pick up on the walls built. This then separates them further and they are not able to 'move one'.

Declan had kept out the very love and attention he wanted by his thoughts which became walls.  He was advised to watch the thoughts he allows to take root in his thinking as it is out of those thoughts he will either build walls or bridges.

The young man
Brian is around 22 years of age and the barriers he has includes depression, confidence/self esteem problems.  He had had a particully long 'down' time.  The meeting we had didn't last long.  During the discussion Brian stated that he feels as though everyone hates him and that no one is 'there' for him.  He stated that he thinks he is not able to achieve anything etc.  He talked like this for a while.  

We talked about how difficult it can be to change that type of thinking.  I agreed that it is - particularly when one wants to think positive thoughts the negative seem to become stronger.  Brian was expriencing this.  I then said something which really got his attention.  I said 'Thank those thoughts.'  Of course he must have thought I had 'lost' it.  Then I said, "Yes, thank the thoughts as they are lies and believe the exact opposite!"

He left my office with a spring in his step and a resolve to 'try it!"